Spring Has Sprung!!

Yesterday I learned how to golf, and I have the blister to prove it. That's the kind of injury you get golfing - blisters - it's a real rough and tumble athletic event. Can you imagine if there was tackling or interference on the golf course? How much better would that be? For God's sake, you can't even carry on a CONVERSATION during a golf tournament, much less have a few beers and enjoy some fresh air. It's like, "So I saw Jim the other day and-" (5 minutes of silence while Tiger drives followed by 10 minutes of running to the next spot where his ball is) "-he's getting married."

But we were at the driving range, which isn't really golfing, more like practicing (or "sucking" if you're me and have swung a golf club twice and the last time was a decade ago). It's more of a social thing - though come to think of it, we didn't talk while we were at the driving range, either. Maybe that's why everybody goes out to eat after they golf - to catch up on all the conversation they couldn't have earlier.

Anyway, it's 75 degrees here today - finally! It won't stay this way, but it's a sign that warmer weather is on its way. What a mood it's put me it - amazing! Who can help smiling when the sun is bright as can be and it's so warm outside? It makes me think of barbeques and beer and baseball (which starts MONDAY!) and paddling canoes on calm lakes and hiking and fireworks and warm breezes at night and that sweet scent in the air... it's the best. Today I'll probably get home (all the way with the sunroof open and windows down) and go for a run, just to breathe the fresh air for a bit. I can't wait. I love this time of year.

I hope the weather is good this summer - it can rain from time to time, but mostly sunny weekends would be just great. I bought my plane ticket for San Francisco last night... I don't know what the weather is usually like there but I hope it's absolutely gorgeous when I go. I can't wait - I've never been and I'm really excited! Everyone who I tell says I'm never going to want to leave. One client of mine put it, "When I went out there, I flew back, packed up my stuff, and moved out there right away." Doesn't bode well for me :-)

Into the Infinite Abyss

I go through these phases where I get in weird moods sometimes. About a month and a half ago I was just on this incredible HIGH, and no matter how little sleep I got or how busy I was, I was just incredibly happy and full of energy. It was a weird feeling for me because usually, no matter how much sleep I get, I'm still tired and dragging ass. It's not that I'm unhappy generally, because that's certainly not the case, but I wouldn't say I'm overly happy, either. Just somewhere in between. After that phase I went through this period of just WEIRDNESS, I don't really know how to describe it, and I'm kind of in one of those again.

I think a lot of it has to do with the rampant uncertainty in my life. I should probably just get used to that. Regardless, when you don't know where you'll be living or what you'll be doing in the next year of your life (let alone having a 5 year plan), it's a little unsettling. I have plans, for sure - in fact, knowing what I'll be doing 5 years down the road is much easier than knowing what I'll be doing in a few months - the trouble for me is in the journey. I know WHAT I want to do, I just don't know HOW to do it. What's the best road? What are my options? What sort of things must I take into consideration? How do I make it all happen?

As I have undoubtedly previously mentioned, I am going to a fair amount of Red Sox games this year. That's great - nothing makes me happier - but I was hoping to take some classes this summer and I hope there isn't a conflict. On top of that, I'm currently working two jobs, and my second job has a regular schedule just like the first. I like having a regular weekly schedule because then I can plan other things around it, but it also gives me less flexibility - like, I can't take classes on Monday or Wednesday nights because that's when I work at the gym. And I can't change when I work at the gym because that's when the most clients come in. It's this endless juggling act. When should I take classes? What classes should I take? When should I move? WHERE should I move? Should I look for studio apartments or try to find roommates? Could I stand living with people again? When should I apply to grad school? Which schools should I apply to? Should I try to get out of MA for awhile? What will be the cheapest option?

It's almost as if I lead two different lives. One me, the 24 year old young professional who likes to have fun, goes to Red Sox games and concerts and bars and hangs out with her friends and worries about the day-to-day trials of life. The other me is consumed by worries of the future and responsibility, concerned about making the right decisions and getting things done that "matter" - going to conferences for CEUs, planning for the GREs, looking into classes at the community college, trying to figure out how I'll ever afford all this schooling, checking and rechecking the admission requirements for PT school, planning who to ask for letters of recommendation, etc. Me #1 is on the surface, but Me #2 acts in the background, always.

No wonder I'm always so tired.

Maybe I was so happy a few months ago because I let my brain take a break. Yes, I was working and commuting and busy, but I didn't have to worry about the future just yet. Now I feel like I neglected it and it's all catching up with me...

And yet all I want is for the future to be NOW.