Relationships

It's late and I can't sleep, and since I have a ton of thoughts zooming around in my head, I figured I ought to at least write some of them down. What prompted me to get up and grab my computer was the thought of this couple that I met this weekend. Actually, I'd met them once before, a year ago. I didn't think much of it then - two women who were friends of friends of friends, and they were set to get married 2 weeks after I met them. Since gay marriage in MA has only been legal for a short amount of time, I just figured it was another of the many young (my age) lesbian couples jumping the gun because they could. (We won't get into discussions about gay marriage here, this is more about the couple). Anyway, they were both really nice people and I am always happy to see other people happy.

So I saw them again this weekend for a bit. I have seen a lot of couples, gay and straight. I have been a part of several relationships. Now, I can't pretend to know these two women very well since I have only met them twice, but I'd argue you can get a fairly good idea of the overall vibe, if you will, of someone's relationship by just spending a bit of time with them while they interact.

The most remarkable thing about these two is that there is nothing remarkable about their relationship. This does not mean boring or lacking in any way - I mean, there's nothing flashy. No "babe" every 10 words, no "I love you"s in front of everyone, no PDA. What is there, is subtle; a look, a touch, something simple and genuine. What is NOT there, is drama. There wasn't a single thread of negativity from either one of these people.

I am just so impressed by them. They are both clearly very nice people anyway - the two times I've met them they've been wonderful toward me, and this time especially they made a point to tell me that they enjoyed seeing me again and hope to again soon - and not in that trite, obligatory way, but in a way that you know is just honest. It is ultimately completely refreshing to see something so easy, so pure. They've been married for almost a year now, but you never hear them talk about themselves or their relationship... they don't force their relationship on you.

It gives me hope. I am pretty sure I didn't capture the essence of my experience hanging out with these two, but I am not sure I have witnessed such maturity in a relationship (including my own) involving people my own age. It is as if they have been married for 20 years already - they remind me of my parents. I can only hope to someday be so lucky.

Quote of the Day

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'" ~Unknown

I had a really good talk with a friend yesterday that picked me up a bit. I'm still stressed; I still panic about all the things I have to do, I'm still bored to death at my job, I'm still holding onto my sanity by a thread. But, it's a thread more than yesterday. I think it's conversations like that - or maybe just the presence, even over the phone - that make all the difference in the world. While I don't always feel the need to keep in constant contact with people (as in, I have a tendency to let relationships lag a bit because I'm bad at regularly keeping in touch), I understand why some people do. It's grounding.

Happier news: nice win by the Sox last night. Granted, the Yankees kind of won the game for us (or at least got the ball rolling with 2 errors and a wild pitch), but I'll take it. More fun rivalry tonight!!! The MLB slogan is pretty accurate: I Live for This.

It's all how you look at things

Perspective.

It's been my mantra for some time now, along with "balance." Nothing like a one-word slogan. Easy to remember, easy to repeat to oneself in times of need.

Problem is, I've been lacking both lately. Generally, if I am lacking one, the other picks up; without balance, I find perspective in order to eventually find balance again. Without perspective, I look for balance until the good point of view returns.

I got into work this morning (and yesterday morning) in a horrible mood. By the time I get in at 7am, I have been awake for 2 hours, had a large iced coffee and breakfast, and listened to the news and daily Red Sox rants. You think I'd be ready to go. But, for some reason (and especially this week) I have just been completely exhausted and horrifically ill-tempered. Maybe it has something to do with all the frustrations I've been feeling about my job (the full-time one); maybe it's just being overworked; maybe it's something entirely different. The point is, it's unwarranted and I feel badly. My coworkers don't deserve this side of me, they do nothing wrong. Yet, I can't hide my annoyance when they ask for my help, I can't put on a cheery face and pretend I don't want to just say, "I quit" and walk out the door, I can't find that perspective that allows me to be ok with the fact that this is a temporary situation (however permanent it sometimes feels) until I can get back to school.

I need to seek out happiness again. Lately, I am not even enjoying the things that usually make me happy. Going to Red Sox games - an abundant source of joy - has become more of a chore because my schedule is so hectic. I can't even enjoy the game because by the fifth inning I'm looking at the clock and calculating what time I'll be home and how much sleep I won't get. Hanging out with friends has all but stopped. Sure, I enjoyed the birthday dinners I went to the other week, but as with the Sox games, it meant spending money I didn't have and getting home way too late. My responsibilities are stealing my joy!

So I'm clearly lacking balance, but I'm also lacking perspective. I'm bitter and frustrated about everything. This isn't me at all! I keep saying it will be better when I move, and maybe it will... but it won't be just because I am closer to work and no longer have to spend 2+ hours every day in traffic (though that will help). If anything changes, it will be because I use the move as an excuse, as a turning point in my mentality that things can and will change, that I will be able to have more flexibility and have some fun again... until, that is, I start taking the class I'm going to take, and M-Th nights are completely booked with the obligations of work and school. Damn.

Well, here it goes: I have a few events coming up to look forward to, and despite the ever-present time crunch, I'm going to do my best to not let that ruin them. Here goes nothin...

In keeping with the status quo...

I'm moving again. Not one to disappoint or mislead, I figured it wouldn't be fair to claim being "trapped in transition" if I wasn't actually transitioning at all. So it's time to make a dash across state lines again! In case the police have been monitoring my blog, I have only be "temporarily residing" (read: couch surfing) in NH - my permanent address has been in MA all along, I swear! But now I'm moving my actual belongings to an actual apartment that's actually in a suburb of Boston. Woohoo! I'm back in town, watch out!

Speaking of transition, I could really use a new job. My primary job (the 40-hr/week one) is definitely wearing on me. I think my second job ruined it. I'll explain: my second job is as a personal trainer at a private gym. I get paid several dollars more an hour than my first job; I am constantly busy (in a good way); and it is self-directed, i.e., I get to make up my client's workout programs, not implement someone else's. So it makes my crappy paying, bed-making, lots-of-down-time, do-what-everyone-else-tells-me first job kind of shitty. It's really hard to have complete control at one job and absolutely no control at the other.

The obvious solution would be to personal train full-time, but there are way too many risks inherent in that choice - not a steady schedule, an unreliable paycheck, and the insurance benefits suck. Ok, then what? Find another Aide position somewhere else that at least pays me more? Probably not gonna happen. Get a completely new job doing something else entirely? So many risks... My hospital gives me the hours I want (for the most part), has a great staff, is in a good location, has decent benefits, and is understanding about vacations and my eventual return to school. But the pay sucks. Sucks! And there is no chance to do anything different, be promoted, or "move up." I'm really tired of being everyone's bitch.

Rock and a hard place.

I feel like I'm there a lot these days (between a rock and a hard place). Do I camp out in my car/shell out $$$ for a hotel room on Memorial Day Weekend on the Cape, or do I throw in the towel on that and go hiking in VT with my buddy? Do I continue on this narrow-minded and difficult path to getting into the Doctorate of Physical Therapy program when I'm not sure PT will be my actual career, or do I go for a Masters in Clinical Exercise Science somewhere and get certifications out the wazoo in the hopes of joining a research facility or an up-and-coming institute? Do I go out after the Red Sox game tonight, or do I go to bed early? Do I go running or take a nap? There are a lot of factors that need to be considered!

In the end, maybe there is no "right" choice, just the ability to make the best out of whatever path I choose... but I'm scared to death that while maybe the "right" choice doesn't exist, the "wrong" one certainly does and I want to avoid that at all costs.

Anyway, enough about my life dilemmas. I DO have some fun stuff going on, like a few Sox games this week, moving soon, and the warmer weather moving in that means I can get out mountain biking again. I am enjoying life and having fun, but I just wish I could get to that place where I could RELAX for a bit - where there weren't any huge life-changing decisions to make, there weren't so much work to be done. But then, who knows, I'd probably be bored.

Keepin' on keepin' on...