Into the Infinite Abyss
I go through these phases where I get in weird moods sometimes. About a month and a half ago I was just on this incredible HIGH, and no matter how little sleep I got or how busy I was, I was just incredibly happy and full of energy. It was a weird feeling for me because usually, no matter how much sleep I get, I'm still tired and dragging ass. It's not that I'm unhappy generally, because that's certainly not the case, but I wouldn't say I'm overly happy, either. Just somewhere in between. After that phase I went through this period of just WEIRDNESS, I don't really know how to describe it, and I'm kind of in one of those again.
I think a lot of it has to do with the rampant uncertainty in my life. I should probably just get used to that. Regardless, when you don't know where you'll be living or what you'll be doing in the next year of your life (let alone having a 5 year plan), it's a little unsettling. I have plans, for sure - in fact, knowing what I'll be doing 5 years down the road is much easier than knowing what I'll be doing in a few months - the trouble for me is in the journey. I know WHAT I want to do, I just don't know HOW to do it. What's the best road? What are my options? What sort of things must I take into consideration? How do I make it all happen?
As I have undoubtedly previously mentioned, I am going to a fair amount of Red Sox games this year. That's great - nothing makes me happier - but I was hoping to take some classes this summer and I hope there isn't a conflict. On top of that, I'm currently working two jobs, and my second job has a regular schedule just like the first. I like having a regular weekly schedule because then I can plan other things around it, but it also gives me less flexibility - like, I can't take classes on Monday or Wednesday nights because that's when I work at the gym. And I can't change when I work at the gym because that's when the most clients come in. It's this endless juggling act. When should I take classes? What classes should I take? When should I move? WHERE should I move? Should I look for studio apartments or try to find roommates? Could I stand living with people again? When should I apply to grad school? Which schools should I apply to? Should I try to get out of MA for awhile? What will be the cheapest option?
It's almost as if I lead two different lives. One me, the 24 year old young professional who likes to have fun, goes to Red Sox games and concerts and bars and hangs out with her friends and worries about the day-to-day trials of life. The other me is consumed by worries of the future and responsibility, concerned about making the right decisions and getting things done that "matter" - going to conferences for CEUs, planning for the GREs, looking into classes at the community college, trying to figure out how I'll ever afford all this schooling, checking and rechecking the admission requirements for PT school, planning who to ask for letters of recommendation, etc. Me #1 is on the surface, but Me #2 acts in the background, always.
No wonder I'm always so tired.
Maybe I was so happy a few months ago because I let my brain take a break. Yes, I was working and commuting and busy, but I didn't have to worry about the future just yet. Now I feel like I neglected it and it's all catching up with me...
And yet all I want is for the future to be NOW.
posted by EL @ 9:35 PM
1 comments
1 Comments:
dude...let me give you a small piece of advice...life is totally random. the second you try to plan and organize your life (and career) into a neat little spreadsheet based on crucial steps and a timeline... you are just setting yourself up for disappointment. you spend years stressing and worrying about how you are going to reach your goals, and how you're going to make it to where you wanna be in 5 years....and all of a sudden, you're 30, probably still stressed out and worrying about the next inevitable transition that you will soon be approaching in life. its great to have goals and aspirations, but don't let that consume you. we are all in the same boat, that's why it sucks sometimes to be in your mid 20's. you say you want the future to be NOW, but like they say "life is a journey, not a destination". and as cliche as that is, it's incredibly true. this shit we're all going through NOW is what molds us. NOW is when we are forced to grow up; its where we gain experience, where we fuck up a lot, but we learn from our mistakes and try desperately not to repeat them. NOW is when we need to actually stop for a minute and appreciate everything about our lives that we've been overlooking and taking for granted for the past 20 years. mainly because our ability to see the world has been blurred by our own residual adolescent issues and dramatics. NOW is where we reclaim the vision we once possessed as simple, undefiled, optomistic children who craved experience without once thinking about the future. we've been trained, brainwashed even, to think that life is going to follow this magnificant rainbow which leads us to our own personal pot of gold. we become so obsessed with obtaining this shiny treasure that over time, our vision constricts and we forget to stop and admire the beauty of the rainbow.
bottom line: look forward to the future, but live in the NOW :)
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