West coast time, East coast reality

I'm actually not sure it's that I'm stuck on West Coast time, because we kept weird hours while I was out there anyway. Whatever the reason, I am once again having a restless, sleepless night here in eastern Massachusetts. I am barely back from San Francisco - it was AMAZING - and already I'm wondering about the Next Big Thing.

Let's not lie about it - I've got some things up my sleeves. Lately my life has been changing more than usual... at a faster rate, in different ways, you name it. I know I always talk about being in transition and at times I feel a little contrite and counterintuitive saying it. I realized it's because transition is not something I seek, it's just something that happens to me. This conclusion manifested itself as I was conversing with my friend whom I was visiting in SF. She seeks change, no question about it. She wants the new, the different - and maybe not in conventional ways, such as finding the latest trend or anything like that. It's more like she needs the novelty of experience. She wants to be a part of something that's new to her, so she can learn and grow and enjoy it in her own, novel way.

For me, change is something that, if anything, I resist, but that often finds me anyway. I mean, things just happen - that's how the world works. Some people can put up blinders and walls and what happens around them doesn't change anything for them, but I don't have that ability. Things that happen often profoundly affect me, even when they don't directly affect me. Little things changing around me - people, physical surroundings, events - affect me subtly, slowly, in ways I'm not even always aware of until one day I see my own change. I have always known I am somewhat maelleable, but I always thought it was a bad thing and something to be resisted, as in the definition, "Capable of being shaped or formed. Easily controlled or influenced; tractable." Suddenly, I have discovered the exact opposite: "Able to adjust to changing circumstances; adaptable." That doesn't sound so bad.

I just finished The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell, and one of the best things he said in the book was regarding his observation that people act differently when put in different situations. Most people would read that and say, Duh. But I think, more often than not, acting differently in different situations gives you the label of "fake" or of not being true to oneself. Certainly I have thought that of others on certain occassions, when I see them act one way around one group of people and a completely different way (often incongruously with how I see them) around a different group of people. I'm sure there is a gray area here between being unsure of and untrue to oneself and the ability to be malleable and adapt to your situation. The question is, which am I? Maybe I have been so afraid of the former that I never could embrace - indeed, never even acknowledged - the latter.

Gladwell writes,
"Character, then, isn't what we think it is, or, rather, what we want it to be. It isn't a stable, easily identifiable set of closely related traits, and it only seems that way because of a glitch in the way our brains are organized. Character is more like a bundle of habits and tendencies and interests, loosely bound together and dependent, at certain times, on circumstance and context. The reason that most of us seem to have a consistent character is that most of us are really good at controlling our environment."

Interesting stuff.

Along with all these quirky, slightly different ways I have been provided at looking at things, I find that right now I am actively pursuing change in my life. This is new for me, and I think mostly the reason I am awake right now. Obviously I have pursued change - I've moved, gone to school, worked different jobs, dated different people, etc. Change is impossible to avoid, and as someone who always wants to better herself, I'm going to have to embrace change at some point. However, most of my previous changes were in the normal course of my life. When you're done with high school, most people go to college; when a relationship doesn't work anymore, you stop dating; when a job isn't providing you with a way to meet your goals, you get a different one. This is the first time in recent memory that I am considering stepping away from the status quo - leaving the path I have worked so hard to set up for myself - for something new and uncertain.

Clearly, no risk I take is ever that extreme. I won't even drive without my seatbelt on - but that's because I consider that a dumb decision (being unbuckled), and there lies my point: it's possible to take risks that are also intelligent. They are risks because there is no guarantee, but it is an intelligent risk because one is informed, cautious, and leaps when the the other side of the cliff is reachable. It's still a cliff - but it's not a chasm. This is why my brain has been working overtime (plus I shut it off for 6 days on vacation and it has a lot of catching up to do). I am trying to take a smart risk. I see people identifying their dreams and going after them - my buddy Push (alias to protect the innocent) always seems to have his hand in 238743 different projects, from albums with his band, solo projects, starting his own company, and working the 9-5 in the meantime. There's someone who goes after what he wants, even if it's hard work and doesn't always bring the desired results - he still finds his happiness, and if something doesn't work out, it's onto something else that will.

So, I'm trying to take the first step in my own adventure of sorts. I'm still waiting on a few details but it's obvious I'm excited and hoping for the best. Could I fall on my face? Absolutely. Maybe that's part of the thrill - it's not as if I'm jumping without a net, but we're not talking Volvo-rated safety here... even seatbelts fail sometimes. This has been vague, but that's also kind of the point - trying to work it all out in my head without the specifics. What does my gut say?

My gut say... find out the rest of the details, first. Sit down, think it out. You want to do it, but does it make sense? If the answer is yes - Go.

"Into the infinite abyss..."

On the Green Monster with the 2004 World Series Champions trophy

I had to post this picture on here like an entry so I could use it as my new profile picture... because as technologically-savvy as I am, I am lacking on the programming abilities these days... In case you're interested, we won with a David Ortiz walk-off homerun in the bottom of the ninth inning, AND I was on tv because a Kevin Mench homerun earlier in the game hit the guy next to me. Fun times!