Secrets of Success

I'm just killing some time between Physics class and Basic Swimming, so it's time for another installment of This is My Life.

Hello folks! It's been a little while since I've been on the air, so let me just say that I missed you all greatly (cheers). Thank you.

It's been an interesting time up here in the great town of... ITHACA, NY!!! (wild cheers and hoots from the Ithaca crew) Okay guys, calm down. (laughter) Seriously, though, classes look like they are going to be pretty difficult (scattered boos). I know, I know. Can I tell you that on Tuesdays I have class from 8am to 9:30pm?? (audible gasps) Can you believe that? And that includes two classes that are 3-hours apiece (murmurs throughout the crowd).

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, how does she do it? How does that poor girl manage to take 16.5 credits and work 20 hours a week at a large retail chain (whom we shall refer to as Worst Buy for the privacy of the store) and STILL have time to live up to everyone's dream of returning to college as an undergrad and partying your ass off??

Well I'm here to tell you how it can be done. It's all because of Hollywood. That's right, my friends. That loveable space in California is my inspiration, and it can be yours too! (wild applause) If Brad Pitt can dump Jennifer Aniston and move on to Angelina Jolie, why can't you have that kind of success too? If the Osbournes can have a reality TV show for three seasons, why can't you get an A in your Community Service class? The point here is, anything is possible. If Nicole Ritchie and Paris Hilton can attract a shitstorm of media attention by a flip of their hair, then you, possibly relying on your wits and charm alone, can pass Basic Swimming. And have a fantastic social life, to boot! (applause)

If you want to know more about my wildly successful plans, sign up for the next installment of This is My Life. Until then, in the words of the timeless Bon Jovi, "Keep the Faith, FAITH, you know you gotta keep the faith."

You stay classy... world.